Divorce!!!!

Dear Diary,

Growing up as a child, teenager, and a young adult, i thought my parents would be together forever. I couldnt imagine them separated THEN and i cant NOW. I KNOW things werent perfect, no relationship is. I just never expected or wanted the result to end in divorce.

I always thought my mom was a little nutts for eloping to Las Vegas from Oakland and marrying my dad after only about 6 months (IF that) at the tender age of 18. But i figured it must have been love, to have done something so spontaneous and for it to have lasted 23 years. Several months ago she told me, she wasnt in love nor did she love my dad. Crazy? yeah i kno.. still doesnt make sense to me either.

About a week or 2 before I was due to go back to school to start my sophomore year in college, my mom told me she had filed for divorce. I knew it was coming just didnt want to except it. I was indenial. It wasnt real until i heard things were getting out of hand, and had really changed. Police, Restraining orders, Custody battle, dad moving out, and both having OTHER significant others.

But it wasnt until last months visit back home after 8 months that IT HIT ME!! My parents were NO longer living with one another. For 19 years of my life, my parents have been and lived under the same house. And all of a sudden, that ended. Now it was just me my little sister and either one of our parents. Not a day that went by during that weeks visit that I didnt break down and cry from the Hurt, Frustration, Anger, Sadness, Disappointment, and Loneliness that I was feeling inside. My mom, Sis, and I even shared tears.

This whole divorce has been a BATTLE for my whole family. Ive felt like i had to pick sides, though my parents told me not to and i dont have to. But when they talk harshly of eachother to me, its hard. I dont know who to believe.My dad wanted me to meet his "gf" .. Hell NO!! what makes him think i want to meet her. My mom understood that i didnt care to meet her "bf" either. Its hard enough that they're not together, but for them to already have people they're pursuing BLOWS MY MIND!!!

It was pretty sad that my dad did not want to go church on Easter with me and my sister because i told him my mom was going to be there. that was RIDICULOUS. If they both cant even go to the same church, then I doubt if theyll ever be able to be under the same roof together. So upsetting!! I want them both to be in attendance at my graduation, wedding, baby showers, etc.. with out any drama, or Hard Feelings.

Through this divorce I've felt very alone and unsure of it all. It was and IS very hard, and feels impossible to cope with. Im just taking it day by day!! (feeling a lil blue today)